Where I’m At. (It’s not so bad. In fact, it’s good).

I was on the phone with R and wanted to give him some treats I’d just baked to share with his Sunday night game friends but he said it was cancelled this Sunday.  I yelled, “You’ve ruined Christmas!”  We laughed and then he said, “And I ruined your life?” which was a sarcastic jab at his (first) ex-wife who told him that on more than one occasion.

He knew I was only being playful when I cried that he’d ruined Christmas.  And I’m pretty sure he was only joking when he replied that he’d ruined my life.  But I thought about it alot and realized if he thought that even one tiny little bit, he would be dead wrong.  The reason I said “Don’t say that,” wasn’t because I didn’t think he should say it.  It’s because it isn’t true.

My life isn’t ruined.

Our 10-year marriage may be over, but that is just as much my fault as it is his.  We each had our own ways of being absent from that marriage.  And I’m the one that gave the orders to pull the plug!  (Geez, he’d still be visiting that brain-dead thing). I take a full 50% of the fault.  No more, but certainly no less.

But okay, so, I’ll try this new thing of having contact with him (after a period of no contact) and I’ll see how it goes.  But the whole point is to say that my life isn’t ruined.  I have plans to LOVE my life.  And the crazy, bizarro thing is:  I can see glimpses of that.  I can actually see moments of “Ah, I love my life.”

I still get lonely and regretful, but (honestly?) I wouldn’t want a life completely free of sadness.  I’m too poetic for that.

The exciting thing is, I wouldn’t want a life free of joy, either, and I just may be able to pull this life thing off.  One that is meant for me.  One that is not ruined.  One that I love.

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Categories: Hey how's it going. | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “Where I’m At. (It’s not so bad. In fact, it’s good).

  1. A most excellent post!

  2. And if you find yourself in a position where you are feeling poetic but you are too happy to full embrace that … Give Harry a call, he can bring you back down to earth with his A,B,C song.

  3. Thanks, XO :)

    And Brenda, I choose to believe the ABC song was YOUR fault and you’re trying to make your baby hate me by forcing him to sing to me. Next time let him choose to talk to me instead of MAKING him get on the phone after he said NO and sing me his ABC’s (of “a…b…c…i…hate…krissy…) ROFLMAO.

  4. How beautiful that you still keep in touch and that you can laugh. Happy holidays!

  5. I feel happy that you’re happy.

  6. Yeah – you would think that by the 3rd one I would have figured out the making them show off is never a good idea.

  7. Spyder

    Well look at you! Sounds like you got your shit together. I miss you! Come to the next Happy Hour Dec 30th.

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