Monthly Archives: January 2011


I dreamed I was watching a movie preview of a man and woman breaking up.  She was on the bed crying and asking a bunch of “but what about??…’s”  But what about if your sister calls?  But what about if it’s your birthday?  He just closed the door and left.

Next I see this game show made out of an upright gigantic bean bag toss and the same actress from the movie preview.  (She was also “me.” You know how dreams go). She was tightrope walking on the top of the contraption as someone or something threw objects to make the squares spin on the board.  They were all squares pertaining to her life.  “His sister calls and you always cover for him.”  SPINNN!  You have friends.  SPINNN!  You waste time thinking “if only I’d known.”  SPINNN!  The audience is a circus, laughing and cheering on cue.  The actress is marching across the top like a drum majorette in high heeled boots, knees way up with every step, bean bags hitting spinning squares, announcer belting out things about my life, audience frenzy egging me/her on.

I leave that scene.

I’m somewhere dark but it’s lit with pretty colors.  I can feel I’m dreaming, but I stay asleep.  I can also feel I’m crying but want to stay with the dream.  If I turn a corner I make new colors.  This dark alley is a gorgeous purple… turn the corner, the brick is lit with green.  A man begins walking behind me and I feel afraid.  I quickly enter a building and try to lose him but he follows.  As he stops and talks to someone I go up and down the zigzag staircase thinking that will confuse him, but it ends only a foot from where it started.

I still seem to have lost him and am in an entirely different scene.  I’m walking on sharp gravel and every so often I hear a rock up ahead drop.  I am crying even harder – only in real life, not in the dream – and feel very, very sad and lonely.  To the left there is darkness and nothing and to the right is a wooden wall with windows.  Someone is throwing marble rocks through the windows.  As I near, the white marble rocks grow bigger I yell to stop or they’ll hit me.

A voice booms:

“Can you not SEE I am making great art here?!”

And I realize it is parallel to the game show, every time a bean bag is tossed, a chunk of marble is thrown, all sculpting and cutting away at and adding to the life that is on the board on the other side of the windows.

It is me.  And I am the art.  “Great” art.


Aren’t dreams the weirdest thing ever?  I easily interpret that to mean:  Everything that happens to me makes me, well, me.  But I watched it play out as some Alice in Wonderland odyssey that had me crying and melancholy even still.  Why?…

Categories: Huh?, melancholy | 4 Comments

Wish I’d Thought of This Before

“Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life.”  Proverbs 4:23

I know it now!!

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Three days since washing + hairspray + dry winter air + sleeping on bed directly over the heat vent + blaring the heat all night long =

Rat’s nest!  None of it moved.  I tried to pull it back in ponytail and could only get one little back section.

I finally washed and conditioned it tonight.

Looks good, but still a rat underneath in the back.  Where are my scissors?

…oh yes I did.

Categories: Hey how's it going. | 4 Comments

Throwing Caution To It

I met a woman last spring who told me about her life.  She said, “I liked fast cars, bad boys… and WIND.”  It was the way she said it, emphasizing the word wind with her voice and a toss of her hair.  I stifled a laugh as I came up with variations for her personal ad:  “I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and WIND.”  “I like candlelit dinners, backrubs, and WIND.”

She was worn but beautiful in a way that hard-living couldn’t fully erase.  I think this was because she had come to terms with her life, was at peace in her life.  She was smooth.

When I get ruffled about something unimportant, I like to think of her and be cool.  And you know, there is alot to be said for a good strong wind.

Categories: Love it. | 1 Comment


I got a cat.

Maybe a month ago?  I suddenly felt the urge to go to the shelter, pick out a cat and (gasp) bring it home!  My whole life I’ve always had pets, but after this divorce I swore off anything else that would require any care – any money – any love – besides mySELF.

It was time.

She was an “inside” cat.  All inside.  Six years old and her owner had died.  I’ve never had an all inside anything, not even Andrea!  “Go play outside!”

The first few nights she woke me up around 3am screaming, as if she was having night tremors.  I almost took her back to the shelter.  Good God I have to get up at 5 for work!

She doesn’t have a melodious voice and her meows always sound like complaints.  She still wails from time to time, but I’ve grown attached and it’s clear I made the right decision.  Even on the name.  She was named after “Rocky,” a man from an Intervention episode because of his epic cry (at second 15) in this clip.

Roxy’s caterwaul could not be more in agreement.

Categories: Hey how's it going. | 1 Comment


This snowy morning, I looked out my kitchen window and saw a squirrel rummaging for nuts.

Still waking up, I said in a gossipy, church lady voice:  Weren’t you supposed to have stored up for the winter?

Good Lord, I’m judging a squirrel.

My little tree gnome family is locked and cozy inside…

They planned ahead. :)

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Dressing Room


Still a work in progress.

Nail station…

Gonna be a makeup station…

Every room is prettier with an Andrea :)


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Catching On

Andrea’s home for Christmas break and we were watching TV together.  In the show, a couple who had just met started talking about what they wanted in a spouse or if they could see themselves getting married in the near future.  It bugged me.

Now that last sentence is a huge one.

That never would’ve bugged me in the past – I lived for those kind of shows.  But I started spouting things out and then putting my hand up to cover my mouth.  It was like someone who opens their mouth to talk, but bubbles come out, or a chipmunk voice, or puffs of cinnamon instead.  Their eyes plead and you can tell they’re thinking “whoops! where’d that come from?” each time.  I couldn’t stop!  “Ew, this is gross, they’ve only just met.”  (Hand to mouth, did I say it was gross?)   “This is stupid!  I don’t even want a boyfriend… the thought of someone needing to know where I am and what I’m doing at all times makes my skin crawl now.”  (Hand to mouth, what is happening?  I have never said anything like this!)

Andrea, lying on the couch, threw up her arms and yelled Praise the Lord!

We laughed but the things I was saying were serious.  All these years of knowing I don’t need a man, I’m okay, I don’t have to have a husband, I can be alone — I knew those things but I never felt I could do them or be them.  For the first time since I was 12 (maybe younger) there is no one I’m fantasizing about, going out with, in love with.  No one!  And I don’t WANT that!  WHAT?  I DON’T!  Not right now.

The things I’ve learned in my brain have finally found their way to my heart.  I feel strong.  I just thought it would happen gradually, but I love that I stumbled upon it during a dumb dating show.

Just months ago, I related to this sentence from Lonely, by Emily White, more than anything:

…it soon became routine for me to start crying the minute my apartment door was closed and my book bag hit the floor.

I still cry sometimes.  But I cry from joy now, too, and I’m glad because I want to feel and experience things genuinely.  I love coming in my apartment door, or going out for that matter.  I’m done trying to cover life up.  I’m unearthing myself.

Categories: Huh? | 3 Comments

Still Home Tour Time

Upstairs bathroom before:

And after!  Drastic, right?

I’d really like a sink with a counter instead of this tiny thing.  And also to get rid of that toothbrush holder even though Andrea is using it to hold her mirror.

Speaking of dream improvements, in my bedroom I’d like to replace the plain light fixture with a little chandelier.  Maybe something like this:

The only other thing I want in there is a cat perch for my new kitty.  Chandelier and cat perch depicted in photo below.

Only one upstairs room left… the 3rd bedroom!  How’d I get so lucky?  Andrea and I call it our dressing room.  I had a friend who had an extra room she and her daughters called the princess room.  It’s walls were hot pink and she had a huge desk chair on rollers sitting front of a huge desk covered with makeup, lotions, and perfumes.  There were “Princess” and “Diva” and “Hottie” signs as far as the eye could see.  I wanted a room like that!

I’m not going for that look, but it is to be where Andrea and I can blow dry or curl our hair and put on makeup without sharing that tiny bathroom.

This is what I picture in my head when I say dressing room…

Oh and this sign on the door:

Well, it’s not done and it’s not going to be anything close to that, but that is what I picture.

Stay tuned.

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It’s Home Tour Time

I moved into this place in September and I’m loving it so far.  Except for the night someone stole my tire right off my car.  I walked outside to warm it up for the drive to work as it was ONE DEGREE and saw this:

But Andrea convinced me it wasn’t personal – that she just knew it was a homeless person – and they really did need it more than I did.  My response was what would a homeless person do with a tire and she said, “Aww they’re living in their car!”  What college does to these kids…

Back to happy-safe thoughts!  I found the pictures I took before I moved in so I can do the before and after thing.  The first room I put together was Andrea’s.  Totally inconsequential since she had already moved into the dorm, but I missed her.  Plus her room is always one of my favorites.

Andrea’s room (and Andrea) before:


She’s got a gorgeous huge tree outside her window.  I haven’t painted anything at all, but I’d like to paint at least this wall behind the bed in her room.

My room before:

And after:

This is a split level townhouse, as shown by this picture of Andrea the day we picked it out.  (Lots of painting to be done here, including railings turned to black):

Before picture of stairs leading up to bedrooms:

As it looks now, I’ve hung some family pictures but plan on hanging alot more.  Also, I got this idea I became obsessed with that I wanted to have a tree or something to hang angel ornaments on.  Right now it’s this gold Christmas tree and I don’t want it to look Christmas-y because I want it up year-round, so I may change that out, or change to a white tree.  Maybe that would be better?

I MADE this feather skirt for the bottom. HA!

Just getting started, but this is my favorite so far – “God Bless…Andrea.”

This is the picture hanging near the tree.  I got it when Andrea was a baby because I thought it was exactly what Andrea would look like when she grew up.

Spot on, wasn’t I?

Top of stairs leading to hallway:

It now holds a small bookshelf filled with favorite things.

Picture of Andrea in her (blue and purple) nursery:

Me times 4 at age 3…

That’s it for now on the inside.  I haven’t done hardly anything outside, but this is one thing that’s the talk of the neighborhood kids.  Tree from Andrea’s window before:

And after!  I LOVE this.  Sometimes I look out my kitchen window and smile at the cuteness.

Home Tour part 2 soon to come.

Categories: Love it. | 2 Comments

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