Catching On

Andrea’s home for Christmas break and we were watching TV together.  In the show, a couple who had just met started talking about what they wanted in a spouse or if they could see themselves getting married in the near future.  It bugged me.

Now that last sentence is a huge one.

That never would’ve bugged me in the past – I lived for those kind of shows.  But I started spouting things out and then putting my hand up to cover my mouth.  It was like someone who opens their mouth to talk, but bubbles come out, or a chipmunk voice, or puffs of cinnamon instead.  Their eyes plead and you can tell they’re thinking “whoops! where’d that come from?” each time.  I couldn’t stop!  “Ew, this is gross, they’ve only just met.”  (Hand to mouth, did I say it was gross?)   “This is stupid!  I don’t even want a boyfriend… the thought of someone needing to know where I am and what I’m doing at all times makes my skin crawl now.”  (Hand to mouth, what is happening?  I have never said anything like this!)

Andrea, lying on the couch, threw up her arms and yelled Praise the Lord!

We laughed but the things I was saying were serious.  All these years of knowing I don’t need a man, I’m okay, I don’t have to have a husband, I can be alone — I knew those things but I never felt I could do them or be them.  For the first time since I was 12 (maybe younger) there is no one I’m fantasizing about, going out with, in love with.  No one!  And I don’t WANT that!  WHAT?  I DON’T!  Not right now.

The things I’ve learned in my brain have finally found their way to my heart.  I feel strong.  I just thought it would happen gradually, but I love that I stumbled upon it during a dumb dating show.

Just months ago, I related to this sentence from Lonely, by Emily White, more than anything:

…it soon became routine for me to start crying the minute my apartment door was closed and my book bag hit the floor.

I still cry sometimes.  But I cry from joy now, too, and I’m glad because I want to feel and experience things genuinely.  I love coming in my apartment door, or going out for that matter.  I’m done trying to cover life up.  I’m unearthing myself.

Categories: Huh? | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Catching On

  1. Yes Praise the Lord! I’m so happy for you. It’s taken a while for you to get there, but you didn’t give up. I’m so proud of you!

  2. Thank you, Spyder! You’ve been a part of helping me get better! :) Love you!

  3. This sentence and you are AWESOME:

    The things I’ve learned in my brain have finally found their way to my heart.

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