Andrea’s home for Christmas break and we were watching TV together. In the show, a couple who had just met started talking about what they wanted in a spouse or if they could see themselves getting married in the near future. It bugged me.
Now that last sentence is a huge one.
That never would’ve bugged me in the past – I lived for those kind of shows. But I started spouting things out and then putting my hand up to cover my mouth. It was like someone who opens their mouth to talk, but bubbles come out, or a chipmunk voice, or puffs of cinnamon instead. Their eyes plead and you can tell they’re thinking “whoops! where’d that come from?” each time. I couldn’t stop! “Ew, this is gross, they’ve only just met.” (Hand to mouth, did I say it was gross?) “This is stupid! I don’t even want a boyfriend… the thought of someone needing to know where I am and what I’m doing at all times makes my skin crawl now.” (Hand to mouth, what is happening? I have never said anything like this!)
Andrea, lying on the couch, threw up her arms and yelled Praise the Lord!
We laughed but the things I was saying were serious. All these years of knowing I don’t need a man, I’m okay, I don’t have to have a husband, I can be alone — I knew those things but I never felt I could do them or be them. For the first time since I was 12 (maybe younger) there is no one I’m fantasizing about, going out with, in love with. No one! And I don’t WANT that! WHAT? I DON’T! Not right now.
The things I’ve learned in my brain have finally found their way to my heart. I feel strong. I just thought it would happen gradually, but I love that I stumbled upon it during a dumb dating show.
Just months ago, I related to this sentence from Lonely, by Emily White, more than anything:
…it soon became routine for me to start crying the minute my apartment door was closed and my book bag hit the floor.
I still cry sometimes. But I cry from joy now, too, and I’m glad because I want to feel and experience things genuinely. I love coming in my apartment door, or going out for that matter. I’m done trying to cover life up. I’m unearthing myself.