Monthly Archives: July 2011


I’m not afraid of the devil.  When I was a little kid I may have been but not anymore.  I believe he exists, but I am secure that he has no power over me, really.  He may sway me and laugh at me and encourage me to be insecure.  He may appeal to me… but I know he hates me as much as I hate him.  I have always been protected by my angels.  Guardian angels have shown themselves in coincidences so obvious and strong so many times to those I love and myself that I know they are involved in our lives.  I’ve just longed to see them.

During darkest times I’ve prayed – really begged – to see them.   Or one.  Just one!  Just one sweet, loving face telling me it’s NOT my imagination, there IS a loving God who surrounds me with REAL protection and comfort and hope, and this is all very tangible and unmistakable…

But none have ever come into focus.

To see an angel is one of my ultimate goals, it’s on my bucket list, and weird as it may sound I catch myself looking for one when I think about it.

When Andrea was 7 she was on a little girls softball team.  Her coach was a big teddy bear of a guy – he was huge but attractive – and his personality reminded me of Santa Claus.  Plus he was just a dang good coach and their team was undefeated that year.  They participated in a county tournament and won, so we all drove them down to Oklahoma to take part in an even bigger tournament that summer.

I was one of the parents who went and stayed the whole weekend.  Our rooms took a floor of a local motel.  We pitched water balloons at the girls to practice hitting, swam in the pool, and wrote Good Luck in shoe polish all over our cars.  Coach grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and laughed and joked with the kids.. then later took the adults out for a drink.  He came in my room the first night to give me some information.  He was so likable, I wanted to be around him, to be included in whatever he was doing as he was where the fun was.

As I lie in the motel bed that night I couldn’t sleep and I looked over at Andrea, sound asleep, then stared at the darkened ceiling.  The weirdest thing began to happen… a face began to take shape and protrude from the ceiling.  It was so obvious that I wasn’t even scared because I was more amazed and didn’t want to miss anything.  It was a man’s face – same size as a human’s – and he was talking to me and laughing nonstop, though all was silent and I could hear nothing.  He was illuminated by neon lights and the moon.

The more I focused on him and tried to figure out what was happening, the clearer and more real he became.  He looked like any regular guy, but hideous with hateful laughter and mean words and scorn.  He looked how it feels when you’ve done something bad but you’re cocky about it still.  Like before you get caught or have any negative consequences.  He had that look to the extreme, and appeared to be bragging about something to me in a very hyper and ugly way.  So ugly.

Years later, Kansas City news reported a man had been sexually abusing and prostituting his 14 year-old daughter and forcing her to let as many as 20 men take turns with her in a local adult store’s orgy room.  The story was disgusting, and not until the names were released – 10 years after Andrea’s little softball summer – did I learn that girl had been on her little team.  Coach’s daughter.

Coach was the dad on the news.

The dad who forced her into sex with him and others.. many others.

I’d liked him so much, it was incredible to learn how evil of a spirit this man had.  And I remembered the demon I watched literally come to life and boast to me after he’d been in my motel room that evening.  There’s no explanation.. it just somehow makes sense.

About five years ago, I saw 3 men in dark coats frantically walking around in my bedroom.  I instinctively knew they were demons and started praying by saying “Jesus” over and over until they quickly flew out of the room.  Then I couldn’t help but yell after them “Scaredy cats!”

Three years ago, I had just separated from my ex-husband.  I awoke one morning “knowing” a small demon was attached to the back of my neck.  It was hanging on like a koala bear and was so real I physically reached my hand back, grabbed it, and flung it as hard as I could across the room.  As I prayed, I knew that it was a spirit of fear.  And the dizziness I’d been complaining about for years – with no answer from any doctors – went away and has never come back.

The last thing that’s happened was just a couple months ago.  I was thinking about God and praying and looked down and saw one of those hideous, hateful, laughing faces again.  It was about the size of a cell phone and I flicked it away with my finger and he was gone.  For some reason I’m not scared of these things, but they’re like spiders I do not want around.

And I realize – I don’t know the reason why – I have seen angels and do see angels.  They’re just fallen ones.

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Summer Places

Every day I go to school, and many days Andrea and I go to the pool.  A few other places from this summer include… the Nelson Art Gallery to see the new silver tree in the sculpture garden, which upset Andrea because she got scolded by security for trying to climb the artwork. She said “I hate breaking the law!”

The restaurant in Smithville I was made a drink from honeysuckle liqueur that tasted like eating flowers as a kid.  Can you see me in this picture?:

The home decorating party where this picture was my favorite thing:

The jewelry party where this sign was my favorite thing!:

And the birthday party for all July birthdays in my group of friends.  Andrea is 20 and I’m 43!  I love it!

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Marine Biology Nerd for a Daughter

We went to this fish store that touts itself as a living art gallery.  Everything was gorgeous!  It didn’t even smell bad.  The best thing was the crazy picasso fishies.. but Andrea’s favorite remains the seahorse.  If she was a princess, she would definitely be driven around by a seahorse-drawn carriage.

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BRIT-NAYY! nails.

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I take pictures of everything.

I love the smell of gasoline.  LOVE.

It bugs me that Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet isn’t invisible.

I’ve had so many dreams where I realize I’m naked that I periodically check, in real life, to make sure I’m clothed.

I still haven’t gotten anyone to tattoo my name on their bicep.

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Mike & Ikes

A pharm tech student’s ziploc:

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Save the Ta-tas

Cookies in the waiting room today at my yearly mammogram:

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My 43rd

Andrea planned the day for my birthday.  First she went out and bought me my traditional birthday breakfast while I was still sleeping.

Then she gave me some gifts and informed me of the day’s agenda:  the women’s brunch at church I’d wanted her to go to with me, swimming, a scheduled nap after swimming (since she knows I lovvve sleeping with wet chlorine-smelling hair), steak dinner, and finally a 10 o’clock movie.

Pineapple flower at the brunch:

We’re all daughters of the King…

She did such a great job of making me feel special. It was perfect.

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Travel Map

This map has gold pins marking journeys I’ve taken, and white ones marking the wanderings of Andrea.

Dad made me a frame for it.

Recent additions:

One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.  -Henry Miller

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